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If you were raised like many of us, money was a subject discussed behind closed doors, and estate plans only became known at the person's death -- often with surprising results. Yet there are several reasons why it's a good idea to bring up these subjects with our parents. How can we carry out our parents' wishes if we don't know what they are or can't find key documents? What if a parent gets ill or incapacitated and we become responsible for their care, finances or medical decisions? And how do we approach these emotional advertisement issues with our parents?

Those are not easy questions, and you're the best judge of what works in your family, but here are some guidelines on what to talk about and some suggestions on how to start talking. What to talk about There are four basic estate planning documents, and it is helpful to know whether your parents have executed each one and where they are. If these documents are more than five years old they should be updated. A will specifies how assets are to be distributed, who will serve as executor, trustee, or guardian, and how taxes will be paid from the estate. (A will does not cover assets with beneficiaries such as insurance policies or retirement plans, nor can it override joint tenancy with right of survivorship or a trust.) A durable power of attorney names someone to act on a person's behalf if he or she is physically or mentally incapacitated. A living trust can serve the same purpose. A living will describes what -- if any -- life-prolonging medical procedures should be used in case of serious injury or illness. A durable power of attorney for health care names a person to make health-care decisions for someone too ill to make their own decisions. The first two documents are best prepared with the help of a lawyer. The last two can often be bought in a kit from a state bar or medical association.

Although not a legal document, a letter of instructions is a wonderful way for your parents to handle preferences for funeral arrangements or distribution of personal possessions. Finally, talk to your parents about getting help if they can't do everything on their own. Are they willing to turn over bill-paying or household chores to someone else? What are their wishes regarding nursing homes or assisted-care facilities? About one in four of us will care for an elderly relative or friend sometime in our lives. Many of us are already members of the "sandwich" generation: caring for a parent while we are raising our own children. How to talk Bringing up the subject is the really tough part. One approach is to put it in the context of your own estate planning: "Jim and I were working with a lawyer on our wills. We'd like you to know his name and where to find a copy of our will ..."

A recent family experience can be the starting point: "How did you feel when Aunt Emmie moved in with her daughter or when Uncle Bob went to an assisted-living center?" Alternatively, talk about activities your parents have been involved in. Ask whether there is something they would like you to do for these organizations on their behalf. Maybe you feel awkward talking to them about their estate and feel more comfortable writing a letter or suggesting a book or an article. Books with checklists and sample documents are especially helpful. Finally, your goal should be to learn where to find the information you'll need when you need it and to talk over with your parents any issues not contained in the legal documents. You don't need to know the exact details or amounts if your parents are clearly reluctant to discuss specifics.